Herb on Alexis

Alexis on the Sexes from vita.mn original question post: Vagina dialogues September 6, 2007

Jesus had no solution for queefing, but Alexis does.

Q: My wife and I have been married for close to a year. Our faith brought us together; before marriage, we both remained abstinent. On our wedding night, and every time we’ve had sex since, as soon as things are getting really hot, and she’s getting juicy wet, whenever I thrust, she vaginally flatulates. The first time, sure, it was funny. I called her “my little pussy fart,” and we had a laugh. We thought it was a fluke, a one-time deal. Now, it completely ruins the mood. Sometimes they’re so strong, they rattle my testes, and that’s not as pleasant as you’d assume. We’ve tried numerous positions, but she keeps on queefing. This isn’t a situation where I can ask, “What would Jesus do?” Do you think Christ ever busted a nut? Help me.

A: Read Alexis wonderful beano answer here (which you really should do before reading on)

H: hahaha ha giggle giggle ha ha hha haaaa you said ‘queefing’. Dude…you’ve got a queefer on your hands. You’re staring in the movie, So I’ve married an Queefer. What? Look, its funny. Queefing is funny.

Oh Alexis what? I’m still going to bring you flowers and cook you dinner but seriously, queefing – just the mentioning of the word makes a dude smirk. I mean, we are dudes. Farting in your friend’s general direction is just as good as a hand shake. So queefing to dudes is like…ok, never mind, it’s just funny. Anyway, lets put this between us and just move on.

So, we’ve got some mysterious little ducks in bed. And while I’m not exactly sure why you need to bring religion into this question, Lexy is right. Kegels are going to help. But I’ve got a couple of questions of my own that might let the air out of this situation. (yes Lexy, that’s funny) When you are inserting tab A into slot B are you full stroking it all the way out each time? Because while I barely understand the woman’s body (I’m trying though), I might have a simple understanding of fluid dynamics. See, all the air has to be coming from somewhere. Like is it as bad if you stay ¾ cocked most of the time? Or maybe have her just grind that salami for a bit (I mean, if she is that “juicy wet” as you described you’ll probably be all over and done with before the ducks come marching in).

The other question would be lube…because something is creating a pretty tight seal (congrats on that dude). Maybe switch lubes (or try using some), say away from gel and more towards something liquid like. The good people over at Smitten Kitten might have some good advice as well, I would swing by and and flip them your question. FYI - they can talk lube like you nobody’s business. I mean, did you know you should taste lube before you buy it? Yeah, me either. F’in crazy (thats why they are the professionals).

And the last option of the surgery, yeah, it’s an option, but make sure you try everything else first. Hope that helps clear up the ducks and any mice-who-eat-been problems? Still. Queef. Ha…ha ha ha…queef…giggle giggle giggle…

Alexis on the Sexes from vita.mn original question: Free-love listing, August 23, 2007
If you get a chance to do Jude, he’s yours.

Q: In a serious relationship, is it acceptable to have “a list” of people that you can have sex with and not have it be considered cheating?

A: Normally, this is where I would link back to her answer telling everyone to read it first. Which I can’t because for some reason the vita.mn archives didn’t list this question…

H: Man, is it a good thing you have online advice columnists to settle burning questions that make or break relationships…

My beer is getting warm, so I’ll make this quick.

1)   Yes, lists are fine…and you know, whatever…most of the time I’m not paying that much attention to your celebrity hot list. You are dating me so what do I care about a list…pass the peas please, how was your day honey? Oh look, hot guy from your list in on TV…great…more wine?

2)   About those lists - no one you know that you can actually talk to/hang out with can be on “the list”. That’s not an imaginary list of people you fantasize about but have absolutely no chance of hooking up with. That is a list of people you are going to bone with enough liquid courage. That’s called a preemptive cheating list. And yes, there is a difference.

3)   If your guy is jealous and can’t handle you having a list…you need to do something to help out his confidence ASAP. Because…look…he’s threatened by an imaginary list of people who you want to bone. Yeah, I’d say you two have some relationship issues. And oh, hypothetical question - is he jealous of your dildo/vibrator as well? Yeah? Yeah, this might not just be about lists. This might be a bigger problem that probably deserves a longer answer. But I’m not getting into it now because I really don’t like warm beer. You can email Alexis your follow up question here .

4)   Alexis – FYI – guys don’t replay conversations over in our mind - that’s a girl thing. We don’t understand why a) you are mad b) why did you hit me in the back of the head, seriously, wtf? What did I do/not do? Look Lexy, make life easy, don’t make me guess. We’ll all be happier in the end.

5)   Drew Barrymore is on my list, but I still like you.

So once again more great insights have been provided. And look at that, my beer is still cold.