Herb on Alexis

Alexis on the Sexes from vita.mn original question post: Vagina dialogues September 6, 2007

Jesus had no solution for queefing, but Alexis does.

Q: My wife and I have been married for close to a year. Our faith brought us together; before marriage, we both remained abstinent. On our wedding night, and every time we’ve had sex since, as soon as things are getting really hot, and she’s getting juicy wet, whenever I thrust, she vaginally flatulates. The first time, sure, it was funny. I called her “my little pussy fart,” and we had a laugh. We thought it was a fluke, a one-time deal. Now, it completely ruins the mood. Sometimes they’re so strong, they rattle my testes, and that’s not as pleasant as you’d assume. We’ve tried numerous positions, but she keeps on queefing. This isn’t a situation where I can ask, “What would Jesus do?” Do you think Christ ever busted a nut? Help me.

A: Read Alexis wonderful beano answer here (which you really should do before reading on)

H: hahaha ha giggle giggle ha ha hha haaaa you said ‘queefing’. Dude…you’ve got a queefer on your hands. You’re staring in the movie, So I’ve married an Queefer. What? Look, its funny. Queefing is funny.

Oh Alexis what? I’m still going to bring you flowers and cook you dinner but seriously, queefing – just the mentioning of the word makes a dude smirk. I mean, we are dudes. Farting in your friend’s general direction is just as good as a hand shake. So queefing to dudes is like…ok, never mind, it’s just funny. Anyway, lets put this between us and just move on.

So, we’ve got some mysterious little ducks in bed. And while I’m not exactly sure why you need to bring religion into this question, Lexy is right. Kegels are going to help. But I’ve got a couple of questions of my own that might let the air out of this situation. (yes Lexy, that’s funny) When you are inserting tab A into slot B are you full stroking it all the way out each time? Because while I barely understand the woman’s body (I’m trying though), I might have a simple understanding of fluid dynamics. See, all the air has to be coming from somewhere. Like is it as bad if you stay ¾ cocked most of the time? Or maybe have her just grind that salami for a bit (I mean, if she is that “juicy wet” as you described you’ll probably be all over and done with before the ducks come marching in).

The other question would be lube…because something is creating a pretty tight seal (congrats on that dude). Maybe switch lubes (or try using some), say away from gel and more towards something liquid like. The good people over at Smitten Kitten might have some good advice as well, I would swing by and and flip them your question. FYI - they can talk lube like you nobody’s business. I mean, did you know you should taste lube before you buy it? Yeah, me either. F’in crazy (thats why they are the professionals).

And the last option of the surgery, yeah, it’s an option, but make sure you try everything else first. Hope that helps clear up the ducks and any mice-who-eat-been problems? Still. Queef. Ha…ha ha ha…queef…giggle giggle giggle…