Herb on Alexis

Alexis on the Sexes from vita.mn original question post: Drink me
October 25, 2007

Find your own damn original fun bar.

Q: Why do girls at Drink suck so much?

A: Read Alexis’s if there was ever a need for a dude’s perspective answer here (you really should go there first, this might make some sense)

H: This is going to take some recon work. As it being Halloween weekend, I’ll delay this post for a “typical” night at Drink. Alexis, just you know, bar stake outs should always be done in pairs. So swing back after I’ve visited Drink where I’m sure I’ll meet my new girlfriend. 

Alexis on the Sexes from vita.mn original question post: Who’s into whom?
October 18, 2007
Make a move on him if he won’t, or move on.

Q: I’ve been dating a guy since mid-July. So far he’s kissed me on the lips at every goodbye, and we’ve held hands. That’s it. Now as mid-October approaches, I’m getting disinterested for lack of passion. Is he waiting for me to make the first move?

A: Read Alexis’s favorite new movie answer here (you really should go there first, this might make some sense)

H: I don’t know what to tell you. You should be naked (or in some form of passion) by now. I am sorry. I hope that one dude doesn’t ruin your outlook on what a man may accomplish with you someday. But then again, you seriously waited 3 months without trying jump the spark yourself? And I’m supposed to feel bad?

You went along with this for 3 months. You clearly liked him enough after 2 months to stick this out. So why didn’t you do the dinner and a movie at my place date? Have a bottle of wine (now, look, drink responsibly and respect peoples boundaries). Or two bottles and see what happens in the kitchen, which is a prime flirt and make out location as long as your 3 roommates don’t come home. Than again, that never stopped dirty-talk girl but you are clearly not ready for that story. Yes, it is lame, or there is a really good reason, why he hasn’t tried the same thing. But he hasn’t. And neither have you.

So, quite your self-stalking of no love and see if you can guess which pub I’m writing this from. Alexis is right, grow up and make some kind of move. Move in for some passion or move on. I’ve got a feeling you’ll guess right. So bartender, I’ll have a couple of shots for my new friend here - she’s had a rough 3 months.

Alexis on the Sexes from vita.mn original question post: Death blow
October 11, 2007

Great, now oral sex can give you cancer?

Q: Recent studies suggest that oral sex increases the risk of throat cancer. I like oral sex. How do you suggest I continue to enjoy oral pleasure while reducing my risk of dying a premature death?

A: Read Alexis’s high science low pun ability answer here…I kid, I kid (you really should go there first, this might make some sense)

H: Cancer…is serious. There are so many different types and different ways for your body to contract it (is contract the right word?). Beating it is never a guaranteed win. So while you may over look the linked article, it would be good to at least skim through it.

I know, its another report that basically says living is killing us. Darned if we do, darned if we don’t. But as they say, knowledge is power so being aware what chances you take with your life is smart. I’m so after school special on this post. Point is, you should know and take precautions…but don’t stop living your life.

With that said if you really enjoy giving oral pleasure…why not just find one guy and do your thing till the cows come home. I mean, I read the link, it said multiple partners. You wrote in, I’m guessing, because you’ve seen both sides of the block and got a little freaked out. If you really love giving oral, which I commend you on, find a guy and get everyone tested, problem solved.

Now, as much as that is really sound advice…last month someone got a little tipsy at happy hour and this month it sounded like a really good idea to close the bar and both nights you happened to find that someone special to give your pleasure to. And while that is your God given right to do (no shame)…but because it is your right, it is also your responsibility to take some precautions. You read the article, so you now know the risks. Moving forward either put down that last-call-this-will-make-him-cute-shot-and-worth-my-time or make sure your are packing a parachute, know what I’m sayin’?

Don’t worry, I can’t believe I’m the voice of reason either. Anyway it is past 4pm somewhere, so once this after school post is out lets meet for a pint and find that magic we’ve all been looking for.

Alexis on the Sexes from vita.mn original question post: Old school October 4, 2007
This guy really puts the “sex” in sexagenarian.

Q: I am a 60-year-old male and, contrary to popular beliefs, there is still a fire in the furnace. I’m not talking about a May-September romance; my sex partners are actually my age and one is as enthusiastic about sex as I am.

Lady A is still a good friend and I still love her like a sister. But sex is basically over since she is just not turned on anymore. We stay together because we enjoy many of the same things and we have a wonderful 30-year history together.

Lady B, on the other hand, seems to have a very healthy libido and our mutual fantasies do the trick for a very satisfying sex life. We have our own 10-year history together and we enjoy many other things such as kayaking, rollerblading, camping and other adventures in which Lady A has no interest.

Before you jump all over me for having two simultaneous relationships, consider that in some societies having two or more wives is considered perfectly OK. Yes, the Mormons have gotten a bad rap, but think of tribal societies like the Aborigine folks in the movie “Ten Canoes” where the main character had three wives — or the harem societies of the Arab world.

And how about the generally accepted practice in some societies where it was not that unusual for a married man to have a mistress? And how about married men consorting with prostitutes?

There is one instance where there seems to be general agreement that having multiple wives is considered OK, just as long as there is a piece of paper called a divorce decree between the relationships. Call it “serial monogamy.”

Yes, I want it all, and I don’t want to give up either of these relationships. So what are your words of wisdom for me?

A: Read Alexis’s tongue lashing free answer here (you really should go there first, this might make some sense)

H: Let me start by pointing out the obvious here. Wow, that is the longest non-question question ever. vita.mn get an ink special this week?  Anyway, back the question. While I don’t dispense Hail Mary’s either…I do give high fives. Seriously, 10 years of having 2 women at your beck and call. And it made you happy. And it made them happy.  Nice work.

Way to go. Here is your high five and commemorative bobble head. Congrats. Thanks for stopping by. Now seriously, why did you write in? Why did you waste any of our time? I mean look, now your conscious is eating at you to what, after 10 years of sweet double timing write a letter to an online sex/relationship advice columnist seeing if you’re cool?

Well, here is your answer - your fine. Really. Fine. Actually, better than fine, you’ve got two women. See, I’m not the guy to say what is right or wrong in the world. Dan Savage is. But as far as I can tell, you are happy. So go and be happy. There is no one perfect way to happiness in relationships. Be glad you found a route that works for you.

So stop writing us and live happily ever after. All three of you (you should buy them both flowers for troubling us with your question). And Alexis, this is the best letter you got this week? Where the crazy people at?

Lexy, I’m leaving for the bar. I’m just sayin’ that if somebody buys me a pint you bet I’m giving them advice for free.