Herb on Alexis

lets not fight anymore. it was me, and i clearly like all of you. i got slammed with ‘real life’ events. holidays, work, actually went on a date - things that clearly got in the way of writing so you can adore me for the brilliant advice i’m made of.

i’ve not abandoned this project, just a temporary hold. look, i’ve got several blogs and i need to sort some shit out to make this all go a bit smoother. we’ll all feel better after a pint and some organization.  don’t worry, i won’t let it go to my head.

see you in ‘08. the adventure will continue…

Alexis on the Sexes from vita.mn original question post: Bored to tears
November 1, 2007
Slow down baby, you’re moving way too fast.

Q: I often get bored really fast in my relationships and break up with my boyfriends within a week or two. I’ve been dating this one guy for a while now (longer than two weeks), and I really like him. I am afraid that I’ll get bored with him though. Instead of letting the relationship die, what can I do to keep things alive and interesting (that doesn’t cost too much — I am a college student after all)?

– Bored, 19

A: Read Alexis’s like a 19 year old is going to listen answer here (you really should go there first, this might make some sense)

H: Well now I am officially behind. But it’s been an eventful week here. She found me. She doesn’t hate me. And she’s still hot. Sounds like a win-win.

On with the advice for a 19 year old who can’t maintain a serious relationship because…..wait, WHAT? 19? Seriously? At 19 you’re stressed over not being able to keep a relationship?

Sorry to disappoint but you getting bored is just you getting bored. Face the fact, that no matter what the chick flick movie says, you are just not into or ready for commitment.

Look rookie, love and all that isn’t easy, but it doesn’t have to be hard. Relax. You’re 19. Have fun. Be safe. You don’t need a boyfriend relationship right now, you’re 19. Enjoy the idea of study abroad. Move to 8 different cities in 3 years. Graduate with 12 different degrees. Smell the roses and enjoy life. Date and figure out what you like. Find out what kind of a guy is going to keep your interest. Don’t sweat this, it’s not a big deal…tons of people go through the same thing – you’re fine.

Now stop reading this blog and tell your older sister, no - your oldest sister that I’m heading to the bar. Don’t worry rookie, you can still buy me that drink in about 10 years.

And this comment was left on the blog….

I can’t believe I beat my editor to finding your site, Herb. He’s usually all over this stuff.

Fun reading, though I’ll disagree with both your HPV commentary and that of your commenter; but if I spent all day every day talking about my column in forums other than vita.mn, I’d be pretty bored (and boring).

Feel free to post your opinions on the site, too. The genuises over there have created an all new blog-type thing where readers can join the discussion every week:

http://vita.mn/askalexis.php

or go directly to the ‘Alexis on the Sexes’ tag at vita.mn:

http://vita.mn/tag_detail.php?tag_id=1119

(I’m assuming you are the same bespectacled Herb that bought me a 7-7 at the Fine Line one night.)

Ah Lexy, you found me… but just a bit too early…I was hoping to have a few things cleaned up and around here and settled in on my ‘writers voice’.

And ok, given, while I have no right to use a pet name as we’ve only met in person twice with the more famous episode of me bumbling my way through buying you a 7-7. And yes it was bumbling because at the time I had only a couple of hours of sleep and very sick man with a cold but still made it out to the show that night where I found the ever impressive Girlfriday and really how could I not buy you a drink. Not that I’m trying to make excuses for my lack of coolness in buying you a drink - I’m just pointing out that was like almost 2 years ago. I’ll just chalk it up to the fact that I’m unforgettable. And that was before I started working out, you just wait.

Hopefully you’ll swing back here once and awhile. This blog has a joke history behind it that I should explain…sometime when we bump into each and I impress another 7-7 I’ll give you the story.

Or maybe you’ll get me a job at vita.mn writing against you. Though I’m not sure people could handle having two of the best looking people in the city writing sex and relationship answers with the same ink.

Ha!

Alexis on the Sexes from vita.mn original question post: Drink me
October 25, 2007

Find your own damn original fun bar.

Q: Why do girls at Drink suck so much?

A: Read Alexis’s if there was ever a need for a dude’s perspective answer here (you really should go there first, this might make some sense)

H: This is going to take some recon work. As it being Halloween weekend, I’ll delay this post for a “typical” night at Drink. Alexis, just you know, bar stake outs should always be done in pairs. So swing back after I’ve visited Drink where I’m sure I’ll meet my new girlfriend. 

Alexis on the Sexes from vita.mn original question post: Who’s into whom?
October 18, 2007
Make a move on him if he won’t, or move on.

Q: I’ve been dating a guy since mid-July. So far he’s kissed me on the lips at every goodbye, and we’ve held hands. That’s it. Now as mid-October approaches, I’m getting disinterested for lack of passion. Is he waiting for me to make the first move?

A: Read Alexis’s favorite new movie answer here (you really should go there first, this might make some sense)

H: I don’t know what to tell you. You should be naked (or in some form of passion) by now. I am sorry. I hope that one dude doesn’t ruin your outlook on what a man may accomplish with you someday. But then again, you seriously waited 3 months without trying jump the spark yourself? And I’m supposed to feel bad?

You went along with this for 3 months. You clearly liked him enough after 2 months to stick this out. So why didn’t you do the dinner and a movie at my place date? Have a bottle of wine (now, look, drink responsibly and respect peoples boundaries). Or two bottles and see what happens in the kitchen, which is a prime flirt and make out location as long as your 3 roommates don’t come home. Than again, that never stopped dirty-talk girl but you are clearly not ready for that story. Yes, it is lame, or there is a really good reason, why he hasn’t tried the same thing. But he hasn’t. And neither have you.

So, quite your self-stalking of no love and see if you can guess which pub I’m writing this from. Alexis is right, grow up and make some kind of move. Move in for some passion or move on. I’ve got a feeling you’ll guess right. So bartender, I’ll have a couple of shots for my new friend here - she’s had a rough 3 months.

Alexis on the Sexes from vita.mn original question post: Death blow
October 11, 2007

Great, now oral sex can give you cancer?

Q: Recent studies suggest that oral sex increases the risk of throat cancer. I like oral sex. How do you suggest I continue to enjoy oral pleasure while reducing my risk of dying a premature death?

A: Read Alexis’s high science low pun ability answer here…I kid, I kid (you really should go there first, this might make some sense)

H: Cancer…is serious. There are so many different types and different ways for your body to contract it (is contract the right word?). Beating it is never a guaranteed win. So while you may over look the linked article, it would be good to at least skim through it.

I know, its another report that basically says living is killing us. Darned if we do, darned if we don’t. But as they say, knowledge is power so being aware what chances you take with your life is smart. I’m so after school special on this post. Point is, you should know and take precautions…but don’t stop living your life.

With that said if you really enjoy giving oral pleasure…why not just find one guy and do your thing till the cows come home. I mean, I read the link, it said multiple partners. You wrote in, I’m guessing, because you’ve seen both sides of the block and got a little freaked out. If you really love giving oral, which I commend you on, find a guy and get everyone tested, problem solved.

Now, as much as that is really sound advice…last month someone got a little tipsy at happy hour and this month it sounded like a really good idea to close the bar and both nights you happened to find that someone special to give your pleasure to. And while that is your God given right to do (no shame)…but because it is your right, it is also your responsibility to take some precautions. You read the article, so you now know the risks. Moving forward either put down that last-call-this-will-make-him-cute-shot-and-worth-my-time or make sure your are packing a parachute, know what I’m sayin’?

Don’t worry, I can’t believe I’m the voice of reason either. Anyway it is past 4pm somewhere, so once this after school post is out lets meet for a pint and find that magic we’ve all been looking for.

Alexis on the Sexes from vita.mn original question post: Old school October 4, 2007
This guy really puts the “sex” in sexagenarian.

Q: I am a 60-year-old male and, contrary to popular beliefs, there is still a fire in the furnace. I’m not talking about a May-September romance; my sex partners are actually my age and one is as enthusiastic about sex as I am.

Lady A is still a good friend and I still love her like a sister. But sex is basically over since she is just not turned on anymore. We stay together because we enjoy many of the same things and we have a wonderful 30-year history together.

Lady B, on the other hand, seems to have a very healthy libido and our mutual fantasies do the trick for a very satisfying sex life. We have our own 10-year history together and we enjoy many other things such as kayaking, rollerblading, camping and other adventures in which Lady A has no interest.

Before you jump all over me for having two simultaneous relationships, consider that in some societies having two or more wives is considered perfectly OK. Yes, the Mormons have gotten a bad rap, but think of tribal societies like the Aborigine folks in the movie “Ten Canoes” where the main character had three wives — or the harem societies of the Arab world.

And how about the generally accepted practice in some societies where it was not that unusual for a married man to have a mistress? And how about married men consorting with prostitutes?

There is one instance where there seems to be general agreement that having multiple wives is considered OK, just as long as there is a piece of paper called a divorce decree between the relationships. Call it “serial monogamy.”

Yes, I want it all, and I don’t want to give up either of these relationships. So what are your words of wisdom for me?

A: Read Alexis’s tongue lashing free answer here (you really should go there first, this might make some sense)

H: Let me start by pointing out the obvious here. Wow, that is the longest non-question question ever. vita.mn get an ink special this week?  Anyway, back the question. While I don’t dispense Hail Mary’s either…I do give high fives. Seriously, 10 years of having 2 women at your beck and call. And it made you happy. And it made them happy.  Nice work.

Way to go. Here is your high five and commemorative bobble head. Congrats. Thanks for stopping by. Now seriously, why did you write in? Why did you waste any of our time? I mean look, now your conscious is eating at you to what, after 10 years of sweet double timing write a letter to an online sex/relationship advice columnist seeing if you’re cool?

Well, here is your answer - your fine. Really. Fine. Actually, better than fine, you’ve got two women. See, I’m not the guy to say what is right or wrong in the world. Dan Savage is. But as far as I can tell, you are happy. So go and be happy. There is no one perfect way to happiness in relationships. Be glad you found a route that works for you.

So stop writing us and live happily ever after. All three of you (you should buy them both flowers for troubling us with your question). And Alexis, this is the best letter you got this week? Where the crazy people at?

Lexy, I’m leaving for the bar. I’m just sayin’ that if somebody buys me a pint you bet I’m giving them advice for free.

Alexis on the Sexes from vita.mn original question post: Vagina dialogues September 6, 2007

Jesus had no solution for queefing, but Alexis does.

Q: My wife and I have been married for close to a year. Our faith brought us together; before marriage, we both remained abstinent. On our wedding night, and every time we’ve had sex since, as soon as things are getting really hot, and she’s getting juicy wet, whenever I thrust, she vaginally flatulates. The first time, sure, it was funny. I called her “my little pussy fart,” and we had a laugh. We thought it was a fluke, a one-time deal. Now, it completely ruins the mood. Sometimes they’re so strong, they rattle my testes, and that’s not as pleasant as you’d assume. We’ve tried numerous positions, but she keeps on queefing. This isn’t a situation where I can ask, “What would Jesus do?” Do you think Christ ever busted a nut? Help me.

A: Read Alexis wonderful beano answer here (which you really should do before reading on)

H: hahaha ha giggle giggle ha ha hha haaaa you said ‘queefing’. Dude…you’ve got a queefer on your hands. You’re staring in the movie, So I’ve married an Queefer. What? Look, its funny. Queefing is funny.

Oh Alexis what? I’m still going to bring you flowers and cook you dinner but seriously, queefing – just the mentioning of the word makes a dude smirk. I mean, we are dudes. Farting in your friend’s general direction is just as good as a hand shake. So queefing to dudes is like…ok, never mind, it’s just funny. Anyway, lets put this between us and just move on.

So, we’ve got some mysterious little ducks in bed. And while I’m not exactly sure why you need to bring religion into this question, Lexy is right. Kegels are going to help. But I’ve got a couple of questions of my own that might let the air out of this situation. (yes Lexy, that’s funny) When you are inserting tab A into slot B are you full stroking it all the way out each time? Because while I barely understand the woman’s body (I’m trying though), I might have a simple understanding of fluid dynamics. See, all the air has to be coming from somewhere. Like is it as bad if you stay ¾ cocked most of the time? Or maybe have her just grind that salami for a bit (I mean, if she is that “juicy wet” as you described you’ll probably be all over and done with before the ducks come marching in).

The other question would be lube…because something is creating a pretty tight seal (congrats on that dude). Maybe switch lubes (or try using some), say away from gel and more towards something liquid like. The good people over at Smitten Kitten might have some good advice as well, I would swing by and and flip them your question. FYI - they can talk lube like you nobody’s business. I mean, did you know you should taste lube before you buy it? Yeah, me either. F’in crazy (thats why they are the professionals).

And the last option of the surgery, yeah, it’s an option, but make sure you try everything else first. Hope that helps clear up the ducks and any mice-who-eat-been problems? Still. Queef. Ha…ha ha ha…queef…giggle giggle giggle…

Alexis on the Sexes from vita.mn original question: Free-love listing, August 23, 2007
If you get a chance to do Jude, he’s yours.

Q: In a serious relationship, is it acceptable to have “a list” of people that you can have sex with and not have it be considered cheating?

A: Normally, this is where I would link back to her answer telling everyone to read it first. Which I can’t because for some reason the vita.mn archives didn’t list this question…

H: Man, is it a good thing you have online advice columnists to settle burning questions that make or break relationships…

My beer is getting warm, so I’ll make this quick.

1)   Yes, lists are fine…and you know, whatever…most of the time I’m not paying that much attention to your celebrity hot list. You are dating me so what do I care about a list…pass the peas please, how was your day honey? Oh look, hot guy from your list in on TV…great…more wine?

2)   About those lists - no one you know that you can actually talk to/hang out with can be on “the list”. That’s not an imaginary list of people you fantasize about but have absolutely no chance of hooking up with. That is a list of people you are going to bone with enough liquid courage. That’s called a preemptive cheating list. And yes, there is a difference.

3)   If your guy is jealous and can’t handle you having a list…you need to do something to help out his confidence ASAP. Because…look…he’s threatened by an imaginary list of people who you want to bone. Yeah, I’d say you two have some relationship issues. And oh, hypothetical question - is he jealous of your dildo/vibrator as well? Yeah? Yeah, this might not just be about lists. This might be a bigger problem that probably deserves a longer answer. But I’m not getting into it now because I really don’t like warm beer. You can email Alexis your follow up question here .

4)   Alexis – FYI – guys don’t replay conversations over in our mind - that’s a girl thing. We don’t understand why a) you are mad b) why did you hit me in the back of the head, seriously, wtf? What did I do/not do? Look Lexy, make life easy, don’t make me guess. We’ll all be happier in the end.

5)   Drew Barrymore is on my list, but I still like you.

So once again more great insights have been provided. And look at that, my beer is still cold.